Reflections on community (Deb)

Well, here I am, trying to figure out what to blog about for my first entry with the 1304 ministry, thinking back on the last few months and how they've gone... Things have been changing a lot for me, but I've enjoyed it for the most part. Growing up, my older sister and I didn't have too many problems: we are 6 1/2 years appart so we didn't always see each other that much and we had our own rooms most years... We pretty much always got along well. I didn't have to live with people my own age. Don't get me wrong, mostly I've really enjoyed living with the girls. But every now and then, when the house gets messy or things don't go as I planned, I have to take a step back, make sure I don't get upset over something that's most likely not a big deal (in the big scheme of things) and find a tactful way to say what's on my mind or what's bothering me.

Having to be even more honest with my friends has also been a little bit more of a challenge. I've had a pretty close friendship with many of the girls I'm now in the community and/or house with, but the friendships are changing and taking on new levels because of how fully honest we're all needing to be. Our prayer times together turn out to be a huge blessing many-a-time, but over the past year (before getting settled into the house) I've found myself starting to struggle with unveiling myself and my feelings, even to my closest girlfriends, because my troubles either feel repetitive and the girls might "get tired of hearing it," or I don't feel like I'll be understood. So while it's a wonderful blessing to have really honest prayer times with the girls, it's also been hard to be completely honest about what's going on with me, even if I know having everything out in the open is what's best for the community environment.

In dealing with people outside our community... I think I've always had a tendency to lean toward the "very compassionate" almost "door-mat-y" side of things, in my opinion. I'm very trusting of what people tell me and it is hard for me to set down hard boundary lines, which is something I know I'll have to work on while living in this community. I've had to tell one lady in particular (who is a much stronger/pushier personality than I) that we weren't going to help her move after all because the situation was beginning to sound sketchy with the management of the hotel not being as aware as we'd like. Fortunately, that situation did work itself out and we could help her move in the end, but for a few days it felt pretty sticky. I know I tend to have trouble trusting my own instincts and thoughts as well; I'm very used to asking others what they think of situations or asking them what I should do, etc. Although I know I have the ability to lead, after being friends with the people in this community for so long, it's easier to just "stay in my role in the group" and not act like a leader because it doesn't seem like people here expect it. I think it's easier for me to just not say what my opinion is and just do what others tell me to. (I'm really not a fan of confrontation... But I will confront issues that will affect relationships with someone long-term, but in short-term decision stuff, I tend to not argue.) Again, this is something I know I'll have to work on while in the community. It'll be fine if how my friends in the community see me changes a bit because I let my "leadership" side out a little more. Honestly, I don't like that people might see me as "door-mat-y."

I'm thankful God has blessed me with a chance to live in a ministry house like this. I knew entering into it that it would be a challenge and that I would grow in my relationship with God and others through it... God can really surprise me sometimes with what he has to teach me, but I'm so thankful for it.